The Strong One

Have you ever been told “you’re so strong?” Or “you’re so mature for your age?” I have. I think I have heard this all my life. I have always taken this as a compliment. All growing up I was told this by multiple people. It made me feel good – like yeah, I am! It gave me such a sense of pride. Never really understanding why I am that way. But lately, I have realized how much anxiety this has also given me over the years. Without even realizing it. Now, this is not a dig at anyone who has said this. I know this has always come from a loving space and it’s the image of myself that I have provided to the outside world and there is a lot of positive that comes with it. This blog just happens to focus only on the negative. I am also in my head a lot but please know, if you are someone that has said this to me – please, please, please don’t take offense at all to this blog. I also don’t want this blog to come off as people can’t come to me. As that is NOT what I am trying to say. Just personally, I am working on creating healthy boundaries, saying “no”, and making sure that I am taking care of my wellbeing so that I can be best self for my family and everyone else. Especially when they need me.

With my healing, I have learned and am still learning a lot. About trauma, healing, abuse, the abuser, victims, reactions, etc. I have also learned a lot about myself in the process. I’ve been making sense of why I am the way I am or why I might react in certain ways to certain things. Just getting a better understanding of me. It’s been really eye opening. And one of the biggest things I have realized is I feel like I’m constantly the caregiver and I AM EXHAUSTED. I’m always the “strong” one. The “mature” one. The “do no wrong” one. Which in turn is a blessing and a curse.

As a child, my abuser always treated me as a significant other to them and also like I was a “mother”. I was given standards from my abuser that I realize now, most adults wouldn’t even be able to meet those standards, but they were mine at a very young age. I was around this individual from about the age of 5/6 until about 12/13. These standards NO child should ever have to meet. Honestly, I think this is what kickstarted my mentality of being “The Mature One”. Because I was treated to be the impossibly perfect adult as a child.

Being labeled as the strong and mature one I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself. I make sure those I am close to that I am always there for them. I will put myself last and everyone else’s needs ahead of my own. Even for something silly and small. To the extent that I will burn myself out. I will have a break down and no one will ever know or see it. Except my husband of course. He has watched me do this to myself time and time again. He will literally tell me, no Sally Stop, you need a break. You don’t need to do that. Fuck everybody else. But of course, I don’t listen. I just say to him “But what if I make them mad. Or that’s mean. Or I feel bad I can’t not.” So, I just continue to overextend myself until I lose it in private because I am so overwhelmed. Over and over and over again.

I have also put on this image for so long that I am “oh so strong”. People around me don’t even see when I need help. Or in very negative situations, I will be the last person to really be checked on. Or people will ask me to take care of things that are huge weights without even thinking how it might make me feel. Because I can handle it. I am strong. And it’s harder for someone else than it is for me.

I am an extremely “open book” type of person but it’s always after the emotion has passed. Very few people see me display the more difficult emotions, whether angry, sad, distraught, broken. When I am really feeling the emotion and in the middle of it. I will hold it in and then release it when no one is around. Now, I am not perfect. Some people have seen me in these moments but for the most part there are very few. It’s tough because I want to be there fully for everyone so it’s hard to allow others to see when I am feeling something. Because in my head I need to take care of the other person. I need to be the caregiver. I always just want to help, and I will help at the expense of my own wellbeing.

What’s really hard. Is I have done this for so long that I am treated differently because of it. Not that that is a bad thing. Or that I am treated negatively. But it’s like I have created these higher standards of myself for other people. That now other people don’t even think twice about how I am feeling. When I first realized this, it was when my Dad died. Many times, I was asked how family members around me were doing but then they didn’t ask me. Or maybe they would ask me but then would follow it up by saying how hard it is for the other family members around me. But of course, nothing about me. Like hello…I lost someone too? I am grieving as well! Or the concern would be for everyone else around me but never me. And just ONCE I selfishly wanted someone to worry about me. For someone to think twice and realize maybe I am actually crumbling inside too. Barely holding it together by a thread. That this is hard for me too. I knew better though. I am the strong one. The mature one. I am the caregiver. So, I buried these thoughts in my head and just kept going. Putting on an image and being strong for everyone else.

I also have set up “standards” in other ways. Where someone might get upset with me or frustrated if I were to not do something or show up or whatever it might be. But if other people were to do this, they don’t get frustrated, upset, or anything with them. Might even make excuses. I know this sounds petty. And I should be proud that people think so highly of me. But it just gets so tiring, always feeling like I need to be perfect for everyone.

On top of this, A LOT of people walked all over me. People took advantage of my kindness. People would try to start shit and cause drama. I was a punching bag for people. Boundaries were blurred. I’d try to help, and it would backfire on me. I was blind and would let negative people into my space. I couldn’t see good from evil. I carry everyone’s weight on my shoulders, and I just couldn’t take it anymore.

So, over the last few years, I’ve started to realize this about myself. I have slowly started to distance myself without even realizing it. From everyone. I’m only really focusing on my little family. I am just exhausted and although I want to be there for every single person I meet or know. I just can’t do it as much anymore. I mentally can’t handle it. I know I will get back there. But I want to focus on my son. Myself. My little family I’ve started. Plus, with really working on myself, it all just takes a lot! However, this isn’t to say that I am just a cold-hearted bitch now. LOL I am just working on protecting my peace now, not allowing the negative into my space anymore, and I of course am still there for people but I am working on not helping others to the extent of my own well-being, creating healthy boundaries, and not allowing people to walk all over me or take advantage of my kindness. BUT, I’ve also learned, just being nice in general goes a long way. I don’t need to bend over backwards and help everyone at the expense of my own health. I can still be nice, caring, loving, helpful, and kind. While still protecting my space, my mental health, taking care of me, and creating boundaries. It is actually possible to do both! I just am having to learn this.

God rereading this blog has made me sound so selfish and heartless. If you are reading this and feel that way – I am sorry. I really didn’t mean to come off like that. Hopefully, what I am trying to explain makes sense. But I guess, who am I trying to impress? I do wonder though, does, or has anyone else felt like this too?

Signing off,

Sally XOXO