Finally Clean

I just celebrated my birthday. I’m 28! And this last year…actually every year I have changed a lot! I feel like I grow so much each year but especially these last few. I love myself more than I ever have, I give myself more grace, I’m a wife, a Mama, I’ve finally let go of some of my darkest shadows, I feel at peace with my past, and just overall a lot happier and content with who I am and my life. At 28 I can finally say I feel free, and I finally feel clean.

I wanted to come here and talk about self-love and my personal growth. For years, I was always so hard on myself. As I know many of us are. We really are our own worst critics. I’ve nitpicked every tiny thing about me. I have questioned others abilities to love me because how can they or why would they want to? I overthink every little thing. I’ve not wanted to get too close to people because why burden them with the risks or details of my past? I’ve just never really fully been comfortable in my own skin. It’s like I put on this image of confidence but I’m really actually very insecure. In my opinion, my trauma has seriously contributed to this. As a teen, I lashed out a lot at the individuals closest to me – family or friends. It’s like I couldn’t fully let anyone in because what if they were to hurt me too? And then if they were good, what if my past came back to haunt me and I put the ones I love around me at risk and in danger? So why risk it? I am the overthinking worried what if-er Queen Bee, I swear.

Before I go one, I just have to give one shout out though, to my husband Kyle. If you don’t already know, we are high school sweethearts. He came into my life at a point where I was a hell storm. I was a ball of fire and not in a good way. I had a good heart, good intentions, but I was just a wreck. I was still dealing with a lot of stuff with that individual, CPS, doctors, police, the trauma itself, the specific individual, and I just didn’t know how to handle it. All while also trying to finally enjoy being a kid at school and have the “normal” life. Through everything, he has stayed by my side through it all. He was there when he had no idea what was going on but could tell something was wrong. He would just be there. Nothing really to say but would just be there, hug me, and tell me that it was going to be okay. Then when he did find out what was happening, he still stayed by my side, took care of me, and just loved me. He is one of many that I lashed out at during my teen years. But he is the one I grew closest to (obviously since I said yes when he asked me to marry him – LOL!) Being a teen with your regular teeny attitude plus everything going on behind closed doors – I was just a very difficult and complicated person to be around. So, if I hurt anyone during that time – please know that I am sorry. I have come a long way since then. And I am not that same girl.

As an adult, I don’t seek the validation I used to from the public eye. I finally have the courage to speak up, hold my ground, actually stand up for myself, stand up for those that I love around me, and what I believe in. Don’t get me wrong, I am still the overthinking worried what if-er Queen Bee. But I let people in. I don’t have as much negativity stewing in my brain to make me feel less then. I don’t lash out. I am a lot less insecure. Honestly, since having my son in 2021 I was forced to confront a lot of my demons that I had buried deep. I was forced to face them. I realized I needed to do this so that I can be the best version of me for my son. If I want to teach my son or any other future children to be strong, that it’s okay not to be okay, to get help, to speak up, have a voice, confront hard situations head on, to never live in fear, to make a change, not be so hard on yourself, to give grace, to let people in, to never give up (I mean the list could go on forever). But to teach my son this – I had to be better myself. I mean words can only go so far, and I knew this. So, I’ve had to work on myself to show him through his own eyes and lead by example. My son was my reason, but everyone has a different reason of what gives them that “Push”. For me, getting pregnant and having my son was the push I needed.  I finally worked through a lot of my trauma and my insecurities. Unfortunately, the fear I still lived in, and negative thoughts came to the front and center of my mind when I was pregnant. Things I thought I had gotten over I learned I actually hadn’t. So, I had to work through it all. But it’s helped so many parts of my life. Parts I didn’t even expect. For example, I’ve had nightmares for as long as I can remember. They’re intense too. Where I will be making noises, crying, sweating, and just frantic while I’m asleep. My nightmares were always about this same individual and I always lost whatever battle I was facing with the individual in my dream. So bad that sometimes my husband would wake up or if he was awake. He’ll wake me up from my nightmare because he can hear and see me panicking in my sleep. And he knows exactly what’s happening in my head. But guess what! I don’t have those anymore. I don’t get those nightmares, with that same individual, and always losing the battle again and again and again. I actually had a dream not too long ago that this individual was in – and I won!!! I actually WON! So, although it was unfortunate having to confront everything while I was pregnant, it has helped me immensely. In ways I never could have imagined.

After having my son, not only did I work through my trauma, but I also started to love and feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve always put on this picture to the outside world as if I am very confident, but I couldn’t be more opposite than that. I’m actually very insecure. Those very close to me know this but to everyone else – I am very confident. I’ve always been concerned about what everyone thought of me, how I looked, how people saw my life as whole, and what people saw when they looked at me. I needed to be perfect to the outside world because my life and me weren’t and aren’t perfect. I almost feel like I was a chameleon. Where I felt the need to change who I was based on the people I was around (to an extent). There are some lines I won’t cross. But overall, I would just try to ensure that people liked me. That I always followed suit. Like “Oh you’re into this one thing and you don’t like any of these other things”. Yeah, me neither. I agree with you. Like, I must like everything everyone else likes. I wouldn’t allow myself to speak too many of my opinions and likes because that would be going against somebody. Or I couldn’t go out in public looking one way because I am supposed to look a certain way. I just couldn’t fully be me. I really needed validation from strangers and people in general. I’m a major people pleaser.

I’ve just been so critical of myself, my mind, and my body over the years. Then, after birth, I finally started to love myself.. As humans, we are so insanely hard on ourselves. It’s honestly really sad. Society puts this image of how things should be. How we should look which for fucks sake is different to everyone you speak to. But after having my son, I said to myself “SHIT, I just grew a god damn baby and then gave birth to him! Our bodies are incredible!” And I want my son to grow up loving himself and giving himself grace. Knowing that he is one of a kind and that he is extraordinary. Again, to me the best way to show him this is to lead by example. This has in turn made me love myself and my body so much more. Cause I am not the same shape or size I was a year ago – let alone 10-15 years ago. But I have never been more comfortable being me! I’m also way more self-aware of what I put into my body. I even feel healthier. I use clean products and I eat clean foods. But hey, I’m not perfect. I still go and get take out and fast food knowing that what I’m getting isn’t clean. But what I have at home is. I finally feel like I don’t need to put this image up for everyone. I don’t need please anyone other than myself and my family. I don’t need to make sure that everyone that meets me must like me and that my image caters to everyone. I don’t need anyone’s god damn approval. I can solely just be ME. I can love myself and who I am. And if you don’t like me. That’s okay. That doesn’t make me a bad person. That just means we are different.

All this spiraled and me digging deep into what do I want to do? Which brings me to Bold Untold. I have said it before and I will say it again, yes, I did do this for me. This is part of my healing process. My blogging is my safe space. But also, because it has been a lot of years, and this shit still is tough to process. I know I am not the only one who has gone through something traumatic. So, if it took me years and years to finally face my demons and I’m still working through them. Someone else out there probably is too. Plus, for me it took something big to push me to see it differently and work through it. Maybe someone else needs that push too. Maybe they need to see someone else working through it to work through it themselves and not feel ashamed like I did. My journey is not the same as someone else’s journey and isn’t the same recovery path for someone else. But what is the same is that if you got shit you need to work through, it is possible to do it! And you’ll feel a hell of a lot better, lighter, and happier after you work through. I hope Bold Untold finds that person that just needs to see that speck of light in that dark ass tunnel. Starting Bold Untold has helped me immensely and writing my last blog “My Dark Shadow”. I seriously have never felt so much stronger! Cleaner! Prouder! I heard a song the other day and although the song was not related to anything I’d been or going through by any shape or form. One verse really stuck out to me - “Gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean” by Taylor Swift. WOW what a line! I haven’t had something resonate so strongly with how I am feeling in a while but THIS VERSE. It explains everything I could try to explain to you and write in paragraphs all summed up into one sentence. Any trace of you is finally gone and I finally feel clean. Fuck that trauma. It no longer lingers over my head like a gloomy cloud. All these years and I can finally say I feel clean. I love myself. I am healthy. I am okay and I love who I am.

Every year I will grow. That’s life. As soon as you think you’re the most mature, like you know everything you need to know, and that you’ve got it all figured out. Another year goes by, with new curveballs thrown your way, and then you’ll celebrate your next birthday, and you’ll be just a tad bit wiser than before. You will reflect on that last year and you’ll realize you’ve learned a hell of a lot more than you thought you could in that year.

Anyways, signing off from my soap opera now. If you’ve made it this far – thank you for tuning in and I will never thank you enough for your support.

With love,

Sally