My Dark Shadow

Reader Discretion Advised: This blog will touch on detailed sexual, domestic, and psychological violence that occurred. This content is disturbing and may be traumatizing to the reader.

Hi, I’m Sally and I am finally ready to free myself of a burden I have been carrying for years. I am new to blogging. So, bear with me as I just word vomit on this page. I also am going to apologize ahead of time as I have used some foul words & phrases. Please be aware that I am only speaking for myself and something that happened to myself. I wanted to do this selfishly for me. But also to hopefully maybe help another reader out there to speak up, get out, get help. I believe speaking up and sharing your story really does help. For me, it is my path to recovery. Although I am much stronger than I was. I still have…moments of weakness I guess you could say. And that is OKAY. But I refuse to let this dark shadow control or consume me. And YOU can too.

I have had this dark shadow for damn near my whole life it feels like. It has controlled me for many years, and I am ready to control it. I have only confided in close friends and family. BUT I am ready to let it all out. The past couple years I have been thinking so much about this and it just sounded SO freeing to let it all out. Scream it from the rooftops! I’ve also met so many people through my 27 years on this earth who have been through something similar, and I’ve seen firsthand how trauma affects people. So, if sharing my story helps even ONE individual - then I consider that a success. I hope by sharing my story it helps you speak up, it helps you know that you are not alone, I hope it helps you to get the help you need, I hope it lets you know that it can get better. I hope it helps you get out. I just hope it helps.

So here it goes…...For most of my childhood years I have tried to block them from my mind. But the problem with memories and your mind is you can’t run from it. Memories happened and they will always be there. But what I can do now is stop burying, stop hiding, stop allowing it to control me, and to free myself of it. For multiple years, an individual sexually assaulted, beat, and verbally abused me. In my blog, I will just refer to the other individual as “individual”. Wow. I said it. That feels weirdly empowering. When I was about 6 or 7 an individual came into my life. They were not a good individual but portrayed themself to be this Light in the Darkness. Little did I know that they were the darkness. For the next 6-7 years, I would be sexually assaulted numerous times, physically abused countless times, and constantly mentally abused. Those 6 to 7 years are what I have tried to block out.

I’ve sort of buried my emotions until 2021, when I was pregnant. The memories and emotions were all stirred back up. To be honest, I thought I had finally overcome this trauma and thought it didn’t affect me anymore. Low and behold, I was wrong. This is something that will stick with you your whole life. But I have learned my past does not need to define me. I can grab these memories and trauma by the balls and show it who the real tough person is here. And I will tell you right now, the tough person is NOT the abuser, and it is NOT my memories. The tough person is ME.

Just to give some insight of some things I remember from my past. I had to grow up quick. I couldn’t be a child. When people weren’t around, this individual treated me like I was their significant other. I was treated as if I was a mother and a significant other that needed to take care of the household. I remember this individual giving me baths, shaving my legs, and kissing my breasts. Telling me “they wanted to be sure that they were the first one to kiss my boobs.” I remember being forced to watch pornography and shown how to “Pleasure myself.” I remember being in this individual’s car alone, driving down a dark alley and parking at the end of it, and them telling me to come up and sit on their lap. I told the individual “No.” Of course, my young self wasn’t going to truly not listen to what this individual says. So, I got on their lap, and then the individual stuck their hand down my pants. They put a finger up my vagina, and I yelped “ow.” The individual told me “That is where babies come from” ... THANKFULLY a car came down the road and they had me duck to hide. The car drove slowly past then left. The individual quickly told me to get back in my seat and we left. I remember going to movie theaters and the individual forcing me to sit on their lap. Then the individual rubbed my vagina the entire movie. I remember countless times being woken up in the middle of the night to be beat because I didn’t do something right…maybe not pick up my toys, or feed the individuals dogs, or a certain chore. This individual was about 6ft, and I would be picked up by my shirt to this individual’s eye level. Screaming in my face. I remember once I forgot to fill this individual’s dog’s water bowl up and they lifted me to eye level and punched me right in the chin. An upper cut. The story I was told to tell everyone was that I tripped, fell, and hit my chin on a doorknob.

I remember being spooned at night. I remember being taken out of school in the middle of the day to do “Army Exercises.” This usually occurred because I forgot or did something wrong at home. It normally consisted of some screaming, some beating, and then ridiculous amounts of exercise. Then this individual would take me back to school and I would have to pretend like nothing happened. Funny thing, I remember one time some school friends asked me “Where did you go? How come you had to leave?” My response...” _____Pulled me out of school and took me to McDonald’s. They are so awesome; this individual is the best”. The reply from those childhood friends” Wow, you are so lucky! I wish I had someone do that for me.” Man, if only they truly knew.

Another time, I went fishing. I have a photo from this fishing trip. We were on Lake Sammamish, just the two of us. This photo depicts like I was really proud of the fish I caught and how much fun I was having. Trust me, I was not having fun. I don’t remember what I did but what I do remember from this specific trip was being on the boat and I did something wrong (who knows why) and being punched so hard in the stomach that I couldn’t breathe. I remember gasping for air trying to catch my breath and I just couldn’t. The air just escaped me.

All this was kept secret through my childhood. This individual was scary. I was afraid of them, and I knew damn well to do what I was told. Every time this individual did something they would threaten me after. One threat I remember was being told “never to say a word or they will take me to the middle of the lake and put weights on my ankles and drown me. No, I won’t put weight on your legs, I will just leave you. Because you won’t be able to swim, you’ll drown, and no one will know anyway.” This is why people didn’t know. I kept it secret. I hid. I lied. I just survived.

I could go on and on with specific memories. But I think that I have shared quite enough for the moment. My childhood was not something of which I am proud of. And it really fucked me up especially through Junior High, High School, and my early adult years. But, at least by then everything had been brought to light. I no longer saw this individual anymore. We escaped. It was December 12th that I no longer had to be sexually assaulted, abused, or verbally attacked by this individual.

I have lived with this dark shadow now for about 23 years. And although this was hard to type. And probably hard for you to follow. I feel free. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder.

When I got older and told friends about what happened to me. They often felt guilty and just felt so bad for me. If you are reading this and feel the same, please don’t. I am not writing this for your sympathy. I am writing this to free myself and to help me heal. This is to help me recover. It may be strange to you that this is helping me heal – but it really is. I hope that maybe this will give others the strength to speak up. I know what was done to me was wrong and not okay. But I can now say I don’t let it control or consume me. It is what it is.

If this is happening to you or anything traumatic is happening to you. Please know you are NOT alone. You can get out. You can get help. It’s okay to seek guidance. It’s okay to go to counseling. It’s okay to SPEAK UP. What is happening to you is NOT okay. And there are lifelines out there that will help you. On my resources page I have put all the Government hotlines that will help. PLEASE get help if this is you or if you know this is happening to someone. Also, don’t be so quick to judge the individual in the situation or around. It is easy to be on the outside and say, “Oh if I were them, I would have left years ago” or “I don’t understand how someone can allow this to happen.” But until you are put in the situation it is fucking hard to escape. Mental Health is a peculiar thing. Abusers prey on this. They will come into your life and seem like this amazing human being. Then they will slowly break you down until you feel like you are nothing. They will make you feel like they are all that you have. They will make you think that it’ll get better and that it is better being with them than without. Even with all the abuse. They will make you feel like you are worthless and mean nothing to anyone. Also, unfortunately change is hard. Even when the change could be for the better. So please be mindful before judging and throwing hurtful phrases like “I would never let this happen” or “I would never let anyone do that to me” etc.

I hope by me sharing this snip it of my life. That it helps someone get the courage to speak up and free them of their burden.

Remember, you ARE strong, you ARE beautiful, you ARE handsome, you ARE worth it, and YOU deserve to live your life to the fullest.

Signing off for now,

Sally