Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a funny thing. You grow up being told to say sorry and that makes everything okay, so then you move on with your day. But as you get older – Sorry isn’t always good enough. And then, there’s that moment where you feel like the other individual that did something wrong should feel bad and/or say sorry for whatever it is they did but they never actually do say sorry and/or they don’t actually feel bad for what they did. And even if they did say sorry, you don’t actually want to forgive them. So, then you’re stuck in this fury of how someone can do something like they did? Why can someone do something like they did? Will they ever get better? Will they ever apologize? Why should I forgive? Maybe I did do something wrong? What’s wrong with me? And it is just this spiral of frustration, sadness, confusion, loneliness, and so much more. So then what?

After going through something traumatic and then finally escaping that hell. I’ve had so many individuals tell me you need to just forgive. My immediate response was… my blood boils, I’m instantly irritated, I retaliate with “WHY THE HELL WOULD I FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO ABUSED ME?! You just don’t get it. You will never understand.” Man, for so long that advice of telling me to forgive made me so frustrated. I never understood how someone could tell me I need to forgive! And also, why the fuck should I? After years of trying to heal myself. From feeling weak, broken, a burden, used up, thrown to the side, cursed, angry, confused, scared, alone, guilty, vulnerable, and honestly just like straight trash sometimes. I mean the list goes on. Why should I (let alone - why do I need) to forgive the individual that started this never-ending loophole of trauma? This trauma that would stay with me forever? Trauma that would last the rest of my life.

I told myself for years that people were crazy for forgiving or telling me I needed to forgive. I believed, if I forgave the individual that abused me, then I would be letting them win. I would be sending a message that what they did to me was Okay. That they weren’t in the wrong and that if they never change, it’s okay. Because people will forgive them anyways. If I forgave, I would excuse their actions. And if I did that, what kind of person did that make me? I truly made myself believe that I could heal and move on without forgiving. I believed forgiveness was not a part of my healing process. I am here to tell you I was wrong.

As I am sure you know, 2021 was an emotional roller coaster for me. With watching my dad get sick, then getting pregnant, then my dad’s death, then mourning, growing a child in me, and then bringing life into the world. My emotions were a mess. I started the year with the end of a life and ended the year with the start of a life. And to just add on top of all of that, my weak, guilty, scared, frail, broken, vulnerable, hurt emotions all came rushing back about my Trauma. It was like the floodgates just came crashing down. Not only because I was bringing a child into this world and that alone brought up a lot of emotions for me. Like how would I ensure I raise a good human? How do I ensure that I never let what happened to me happen to my son? How do I protect my child? But also, because that year my past had to be reopened. Not all of it. Just slightly, but enough to have my emotional walls come tumbling down. There was an incident while I was pregnant, and I had to speak with CPS and rehash my past trauma (I will not go into detail with what happened, but everyone is okay, and it was honestly for the better). I reviewed old court documents about my Abuse case. Read all my statements. I remember crying and saying what the hell’s wrong with me? I thought I had healed from this. I thought I was strong. I thought I was over it. Why am I feeling like this? We escaped 16 years ago so why is this still affecting me today? Well to say the least, that year created a huge shift in myself, who I am, my thought process, and about well, forgiveness.

That year, I finally forgave my past with my abuser. Not publicly, I didn’t go and send him a text saying “Hey, I forgive you.” As I didn’t owe him forgiveness and I didn’t need to forgive him. I needed to forgive myself. I forgave the path I was on as a child, I forgave my response to the trauma, I forgave my soul, I forgave the cruelty in my mind, I forgave so that I could break the unhealthy bond I was holding on to from my past between myself and my abuser.

I was watching my favorite show for the millionth time and a part came up about forgiveness. And honestly, it finally just clicked why everyone kept telling me I needed to forgive. The little wheels in my head started turning. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you literally have to tell the person you forgive them. Forgiveness isn’t literally forgiving an individual either. It doesn’t mean you are excusing them for their actions. It doesn’t mean that what they did is okay. It doesn’t mean they came up to you, said sorry, and now you feel obligated to forgive them. It doesn’t mean you are weak, or something is wrong with you. Forgiveness doesn’t always mean you have to “stay friends” or in communication with someone either. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you are okay with what or who the person you are forgiving is. Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened. Forgiveness is so much deeper than that. It is to free yourself of your past. To cut any ties from your past that are holding you down. I realized how much I needed to forgive for myself. For my own wellbeing and my mental health. To free my spirit. So that I could finally begin the next steps of my healing. So that I could live in the present and not the past. I finally realized that I would never be able to move forward if I was still hanging onto my past trauma. And part of hanging on to my past trauma was never forgiving.

When I finally had this realization, it was like a small weight on my shoulder was lifted. It freed up my power and my spirit. It gave me so much more peace. I really realized life is too short and I need to be present. I need to live presently. I will never forget what has happened to me. I will never be okay with what happened to me, and I will do everything in my power to protect my family from it happening to them or anyone in that matter. But I was finally able to start letting it go. To never forget but to live for the present and future. Ever since I did this, I’ve started to feel happier, and I don’t have nearly as many nightmares as I used to. It’s crazy how something like forgiveness can sound so “simple” but is actually so complex. And you have to be willing to do it and be ready for it. It cannot be forced.

Well, that’s my take on forgiveness. It was such a freeing thing once I finally accepted it. Don’t get me wrong, my past still sucks, it still hurts, I can’t change that. I hate that individual who did what he did to me. I would never ever want someone to go through what I went through. Ever. But at the end of the day, my forgiveness was for me. It was about freeing myself of my past trauma in the present. I was done making room for that trauma in my future.

Anyways, thanks for listening. I did put a few quotes below that I really like. They’re ones I have written down and saved.

With love,

Sally   

“The best way to accept the past is not to forget it. But to accept and forgive it”

“Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.”

“Some of your happiest moments in life is letting go of what you cannot change”

“You can’t move forward if you’re stilling hanging onto the past”

“Do not let the shadows of your past darken the doorstop of your future.”

“The past is a place to learn from, not to live in.”