Heavy Halo

Reader Discretion Advised: This blog will touch on details of self inflicted harm, suicidal thoughts, and some details regarding abuse. This content is disturbing and may be traumatizing to the reader.

It’s been a hard pill to swallow. Now that I am an adult and looking back on my younger years after we had left the abusive situation. Realizing all the small things I did as a cry for help but not fully understanding that’s what I was doing. Not realizing at the moment that I was screaming. Screaming silently. Wanting and needing help but never really getting it or asking for it.

I am just going to say “when I was younger”. As it was a good amount of years but it was after we had left our abusive situation. I was a teen and when I was a very young adult. Let’s just say I have had a lot of shit to work through. Now that I am finally working through it – I cry and feel for my younger self. I was a mess. I mean, for good reason. But still, I was a hot mess express. I use that term heavily now that I am older. Not in a negative way but just aware that I had a lot of trauma I needed to confront, work through, and it came out negatively to people around me. I hate this term but I would come off as “Crazy” in some peoples words. I had a lot to learn, a lot to recover from, a lot of self work to do, just a lot I needed to work through and didn’t know how. So what was my resolution when my overwhelming emotions got the best of me? I was a hot mess express. That’s what. I’d go to the extremes because I didn’t know how to cope.

Before I continue, I need to make it clear, I do not blame anyone. Nor will I ever. At the end of the day, you can only help someone as much as they want help. And it’s extremely hard to know when someone needs help when they keep it quiet. Especially when you’ve become a pro at hiding. It’s like a house that looks amazing from a distance or in photos. But if you were to really look close you’d see the terrible patch work that was done and how much deep work the house actually needs.

I also do not excuse my bad behavior. I am aware that I was not always the best human. But I own it and I’ve worked and continue to work on me. I’ve said a lot lately that I think I was a better friend then person to be in a relationship with. However, sometimes I just wasn’t good at all. If you were ever the target of my wrath - I’m sorry.

Anyways, after leaving our abusive situation. It was like this final sense of freedom and fear. Tied in together. Yes, I am finally free but holy fuck is our world scary. Fear of never wanting it to happen again and who knows – it could? But also finally feeling like a free bird. However, everyone you know is just finding out and your world is still crumbling. As mentioned in one of my previous blogs – I have always been the strong one. The caretaker. The mothering type. I would carry the entire world on my shoulders if I could. So when you leave an abusive situation and watch your loved ones find out things that had happened that they never knew. You see in their eyes that little sparkle just disappear. You witness all the emotions they go through like anger, sadness, remorse, disbelief, guilt, and you just see everything within this split second. Then, everyone handles it differently and that part is scary. Some can’t handle it so they self medicate. Some lash out. Some become a recluse. Some act like it never happened. Everyone is different. So for me, I had to be strong. I’ve always been the care taking type right? So I can’t watch the people I love crumble anymore. I can’t watch their hearts just break. I see everyone dealing and going through so much. They don’t need to deal with me too. I have to be okay so that they can be okay.

That is a lot of dark heavy shit to have on anyone's shoulders. But especially when you are young. Still a child even. I mean yes, I did it to myself. I made this decision on my own in my head. But, I felt like I had to pretend like I was okay and I needed to carry all the weight. Like I had this heavy halo over my head that I was trying to keep afloat and shining. But in reality it was crushing me into the ground. It was flickering barely able to shine but yet no one could see that.

I am only human. So of course I wasn’t strong 100% of the time. But I damn sure tried to be. If I ever had a moment – I just acted after like “oh i’m fine” - “I was just having a moment”- or I’d justify my actions even when I knew they were wrong. For me, looking back I know I never really wanted to be unalive. But, I did want the pain to go away. I wanted to stop feeling numb inside. I wanted to not feel like a used up rag. I wanted to feel as bright and bubbly as the perception I made to the outside world. But I wanted to feel that bright and bubbly on the inside. So when I couldn’t keep my halo afloat. I would lash out, I’d lash out at the ones closest to me, and sometimes I would lash out over the smallest of things.

My extremes could result in many things. I might blow someone’s phone up by calling and texting over and over again. I might become destructive and break everything in my pathway. Shattering anything I think might have value to someone. I would become hurtful, saying things that I knew would hurt you because well, you hurt me. And they would be very low nasty blows. I would threaten to kill myself because maybe then you’d realize I was hurting and I needed help. I would do things to myself because I needed someone to take care of me. I couldn’t be strong anymore and I needed help. I would run away. I remember taking knives to my wrists. I remember putting a rope around my neck contemplating hanging myself. Being in the shower bawling and shaving my legs. Then pushing too hard just to break my skin. Because then at least I’d feel something. I remember constantly battling in my head what the point was of being on this earth. Why should I even be alive? The sad part for me now, is to realize I just needed help. I wanted help. I needed someone to see me. Not see me just for this happy go lucky human on the outside. But to really see me and see how I was breaking. I just wanted to feel seen, I wanted to be heard, I wanted to be taken care of, I needed attention, I needed validation, and I wanted to feel something. I had low self esteem, I had a lot of fear, I didn’t want to be broken, I didn’t want to feel used up, and I didn’t want to lose people. I wanted to be fixed, I wanted everyone to like me, and I didn’t want to fail anyone. Unfortunately, these emotions, wants, and needs I still continued to keep hidden and in turn when I did have a “moment” they would come out in extremely unhealthy and toxic ways. Some things I did would just push the people I cared about most away. Which did the exact opposite of what I wanted.

When you are in such a dark space in your head. It can be really hard to get out of it. Mental health is no joke. If you’ve ever felt like this. I am sorry and I feel for you. I understand. BUT, please know you are WORTHY. You are LOVED. You are BEAUTIFUL or HANDSOME. You are IMPORTANT. You are WANTED. You don’t have to be STRONG all the time. I would argue getting help makes you even stronger. Don’t go to these extremes like I did. It is not healthy. Speak up. This doesn’t mean you are failing or weak. It’s okay to ask for help. Emotions are normal and you have every right to them. Please know that this world is so much brighter with you still walking it. There are people who want to help and hotlines that can help you. Therapy is not something to be ashamed of. It is an amazing tool that can help you. Please, please, please get the help you need. There is no way in this world that it would be better without you in it.

I look back and wonder how things could have been different if anyone had caught me doing any of the things I did to myself. Or if someone had realized I was silently screaming for help. But, that is no ones fault. I mean, would I have even accepted help? Or would I have stayed hidden? I say now I would of accepted help back then but would I really have? I truly don’t know. As that opportunity never presented itself. A lot of my emotions I hid and would only do things when I was by myself where no one could see. In the moment hoping someone might walk in but knowing the odds were unfavorable. Because although as much as I wanted the help. I also didn’t want anyone to know I was struggling. Also, as much as I was struggling it doesn’t excuse how I treated people.

Recognizing the person I was, now when I see other individuals that are mean, or spiteful, or just not the nicest human. I instantly just feel sad for them. Because something they are struggling with has made them that way. It doesn’t mean what they’re doing or have done is okay. But something has made them that way and that makes me sad. Because at one point in my life I wasn’t the nicest human either. I understand now why I was the way I was. But, that doesn’t justify my actions. I needed to work through my own stuff to become the best version of me. However, although I recognize this in other people. I’ve had to practice not taking on everyone’s issues. I am the person that will take on your issues and feel them as if I were you. That is a lot to take on and I just can’t help everyone. I still have to protect my space and my families space. I can feel for someone from a distance and still draw a line. Create boundaries to protect my own mental health and my families peace.

I sometimes wonder how the hell I made it out okay. The combination of teen/young adult emotions plus all the trauma. I understand why I was such a hot mess express. I could be a very difficult person to be around. But at the end of the day, I MADE IT. Its been years and I’ve worked through a lot. I’ve worked on better coping mechanisms. I’ve worked on bettering myself. I’m slowly building up my self esteem. I still have a lot of healing, a lot of work, and a lot of growing to do. I don’t think that will ever change. You are constantly evolving from the person you were each day. But today, I am proud of how far that I have come. As dark as my story might have been at times. I am who I am today because of the path that I’ve traveled and I am proud of me.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out for help. You can also check my resources page with multiple hotlines that could help you or a loved one.

Signed a healing work in progress woman,

Sally

xoxo